Blah

Yup, I'm still alive...
Nothing new, really...
I sort of forgot about my blog :/
I might update it more regularly now... well, at least after I'm done with my exams...

Eeh...

Gaudia post luctus veniunt, post gaudia luctus.

Happy 2011

--
Rows of photographs
& candles on the shelf –

clinging onto memories



…and life goes by


When the pictures disappear
and the candles are blown out,
when I can no longer hear
the song of your voice -
you will truly be lost

But as long as I can still remember -
you LIVE

And the tears that come
are hot and cruel –
but not as cruel
as the slow tide of
forgetfulness,
taking away everything but
the knowledge that you’re
no longer here

Time – the greatest thief of them all
--

In memory of Martin Kolar, died 27th December 2006

Undecided...

On the edge of the cliff –
neither here nor there,
eternity beneath your feet.
Acrophobic reservations?

Hēphaistos,
the blacksmith of life -
you are disfigured
and weary.
Nailed to the ground,
forging your own restraints.
You’re searching for the savior within

"God is dead"?

I just want to feel alive...

I don't think I'm normal...
I've turned a form of self torture into a "coping" mechanism... how f*cked up is that? -.-

...

White blossoms
- a whisper of the wind
weaving through the branches…
Drunken moonlight illuminates
the dance of the fireflies
above the flowing river.
Dark and cool and soothing.
The eternity of a single moment.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell...

I hear a little voice that no one else can hear
So real, I feel the hot air on my neck,
like there's someone whispering in my ear
but they disappear every time I check.

One moment so high, then falling into abyss,
I feel like I'm one card short of a deck
and I can't help but think something is amiss,
because I'm slowly becoming a wreck. 

 (2005)

Who am I?

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is that all you want to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself, find yourself afraid to see?

(NIN - Right where it belongs)

--

I am a monster.
Rotten on the outside - rotten on the inside.
I scare myself to death.
A shriveled shell of a human being - dragging myself through the never ending drudgery of life.
And a crippling darkness creeps into my mind at night, little demons wreaking havoc.
Chemical warfare in my brain.
I self-destruct... and I try to put the pieces back together. They never quite fit.
There are too many scars & frayed ends to ever make a perfect picture again.


It is quiet...
Too quiet... too damn lonely.
The silence is heavy, almost suffocating.
I curl up into a fetal position and count my heartbeats.
Always waging a war - will this be the day when I lose and stay in bed, staring at the walls?
Never good enough. Never pretty enough. Never smart enough. Never happy. Never normal.


I am trapped... a prisoner of my own body, of my own mind.
And sometimes my greatest wish is that I could simply sink into nothing, that I could just disappear.

--